Moments I forgave but cannot forget. Broken promises and hidden crack pipes, smashed apartment with daughter in my belly and son in my arms, broke our lives in that moment. You live, you learn, pick up the pieces, you move on.
Art found here: What am I looking for? I ask myself that over and over this past week. What is holding me back from moving forward with my life? The effects of my ex-husband and his failure to disclose his HIV whilst still having unprotected sex with me has dug its sharp end in deeply. … Continue reading Tinder and the quest for a Nail
Blue Lenor is the scent that immediately transports me to my mothers house. Memories of her are tied up in the olfactory trigger I usually avoid when perusing the multiple varieties of fabric softner in the supermarket aisle. I bought it on purpose yesterday, leaving the warmth of a rare sunny day in London for … Continue reading FFS… I need a…
I want to feel 'hope'... hopeful... that hopefully... one day... I sit in front of my Gohonzan, candles lit, incense burning, legs folded, plant, water, beads. I stare at the mandala in its white wooden Butsudan (cabinet for mandala; Gohonzan) hoping for some strength to return to my being. Hopeful if I chant for long … Continue reading Hope?
Four hours... four hours to convince myself to leave the house yesterday to attend a family 'Holy Communion' mass followed by a party. Totally missed the church service faffing around and swinging between anxious - shouty - tearful - in what seemed to send me spinning about like a weird dented tin top. Eventually (after locking … Continue reading It’s raining in my head
I felt better. Not anxious. Not cutting. Not depressed. Not .... just not bad. New job started this week. Feeling reinvigorated and reinvented. I wasn't afraid of the innocent white envelope. It's the brown ones I fear. What seemed like a great summer of recovery was cut/slashed/drowned/diminished in one fell swoop. The white envelope. I … Continue reading Cutting it
I have spent the morning crying mostly. Lost job due to depression and my capability to perform my job (mutually agreed) and have received an eviction notice from my landlord. After sobbing in a heap on my mock Turkish Rug and screaming/crying at various people down the phone I decide eating is the way forward. … Continue reading Cutting
You’ll turn blind! I remember as a girl, not sure how old - five maybe six, lying on my tummy watching TV with loads of pillows and gyrating against the one that was under my pelvis, it felt nice. My mum screamed at me to stop, “That’s disgusting Michelle!” she went on, “You’ll turn yourself … Continue reading Brazil Nuts and Orgasms
I was rudely awoken at 6 am by someone banging loudly on my front door. I jump up and the shadow I see through the glass of my front door calls out, "Police!". Shit ... is it my brother?... My other brother?... Oh fuck!... I open the door, silently considering what I have in my … Continue reading “Ello, ello, ello!”
My youngest daughter is confident, outgoing, smart and creative. She is also very determined, stubborn, emotional and wilful. I am ... most of the time... able to channel the onset of her many tantrums but there are times (OK frequently - I'm being honest) when I am unable to do this. She will have tantrums … Continue reading Bad Mother?