Crack Mistress

Moments I forgave but cannot forget. Broken promises and hidden crack pipes, smashed apartment with daughter in my belly and son in my arms, broke our lives in that moment. You live, you learn, pick up the pieces, you move on.

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Hope?

I want to feel 'hope'... hopeful... that hopefully... one day... I sit in front of my Gohonzan, candles lit, incense burning, legs folded, plant, water, beads. I stare at the mandala in its white wooden Butsudan (cabinet for mandala; Gohonzan) hoping for some strength to return to my being. Hopeful if I chant for long … Continue reading Hope?

Cutting it

I felt better. Not anxious. Not cutting. Not depressed. Not .... just not bad. New job started this week. Feeling reinvigorated and reinvented. I wasn't afraid of the innocent white envelope. It's the brown ones I fear. What seemed like a great summer of recovery was cut/slashed/drowned/diminished in one fell swoop. The white envelope. I … Continue reading Cutting it

Cutting

I have spent the morning crying mostly. Lost job due to depression and my capability to perform my job (mutually agreed) and have received an eviction notice from my landlord. After sobbing in a heap on my mock Turkish Rug and screaming/crying at various people down the phone I decide eating is the way forward. … Continue reading Cutting

Bad Mother?

My youngest daughter is confident, outgoing, smart and creative. She is also very determined, stubborn, emotional and wilful. I am ... most of the time... able to channel the onset of her many tantrums but there are times (OK frequently - I'm being honest) when I am unable to do this. She will have tantrums … Continue reading Bad Mother?