I want to feel 'hope'... hopeful... that hopefully... one day... I sit in front of my Gohonzan, candles lit, incense burning, legs folded, plant, water, beads. I stare at the mandala in its white wooden Butsudan (cabinet for mandala; Gohonzan) hoping for some strength to return to my being. Hopeful if I chant for long … Continue reading Hope?
I have spent the morning crying mostly. Lost job due to depression and my capability to perform my job (mutually agreed) and have received an eviction notice from my landlord. After sobbing in a heap on my mock Turkish Rug and screaming/crying at various people down the phone I decide eating is the way forward. … Continue reading Cutting
You’ll turn blind! I remember as a girl, not sure how old - five maybe six, lying on my tummy watching TV with loads of pillows and gyrating against the one that was under my pelvis, it felt nice. My mum screamed at me to stop, “That’s disgusting Michelle!” she went on, “You’ll turn yourself … Continue reading Brazil Nuts and Orgasms
Last night the women in white coats arrived at my doorstep, armed with straight jacket, electric prod and an order to section... Well... that's how it felt! My doctor decided to refer me to the crisis team in my area as a result of suicidal thoughts and behaviours that I had been demonstrating. Doc only … Continue reading The Women in White Coats
Today was my first day back at work, back in the class room in over a month. I had decided to stop taking meds and although I have had several 'melt downs' in the last month, I had convinced myself that I was on track and skipping along the road of recovery. WELL!!! Surprisingly that … Continue reading “I just need a minute…”
So I am in the loo of my chalet at a holiday park. Part of a party of 20 that I organised... old friends family and our kids. Wishing my razors were in the bathroom and not outside. The dark cloud has descended and I feel the deep urge to hurt myself. To feel a … Continue reading In the loo
My head is like a turbine and my moods are a rollercoaster. Day 5 of no meds and I’m beginning to consider the Venlaflaxine even with my previous doubts. I have felt really agitated and lethargic, anxiety levels are through the roof. Is it a placebo effect? I discussed this with my counsellor which was … Continue reading SSRI’s, STD’s and Self-harm