Art found here: What am I looking for? I ask myself that over and over this past week. What is holding me back from moving forward with my life? The effects of my ex-husband and his failure to disclose his HIV whilst still having unprotected sex with me has dug its sharp end in deeply. … Continue reading Tinder and the quest for a Nail
Blue Lenor is the scent that immediately transports me to my mothers house. Memories of her are tied up in the olfactory trigger I usually avoid when perusing the multiple varieties of fabric softner in the supermarket aisle. I bought it on purpose yesterday, leaving the warmth of a rare sunny day in London for … Continue reading FFS… I need a…
I want to feel 'hope'... hopeful... that hopefully... one day... I sit in front of my Gohonzan, candles lit, incense burning, legs folded, plant, water, beads. I stare at the mandala in its white wooden Butsudan (cabinet for mandala; Gohonzan) hoping for some strength to return to my being. Hopeful if I chant for long … Continue reading Hope?
Four hours... four hours to convince myself to leave the house yesterday to attend a family 'Holy Communion' mass followed by a party. Totally missed the church service faffing around and swinging between anxious - shouty - tearful - in what seemed to send me spinning about like a weird dented tin top. Eventually (after locking … Continue reading It’s raining in my head
I have spent the morning crying mostly. Lost job due to depression and my capability to perform my job (mutually agreed) and have received an eviction notice from my landlord. After sobbing in a heap on my mock Turkish Rug and screaming/crying at various people down the phone I decide eating is the way forward. … Continue reading Cutting
You’ll turn blind! I remember as a girl, not sure how old - five maybe six, lying on my tummy watching TV with loads of pillows and gyrating against the one that was under my pelvis, it felt nice. My mum screamed at me to stop, “That’s disgusting Michelle!” she went on, “You’ll turn yourself … Continue reading Brazil Nuts and Orgasms
My youngest daughter is confident, outgoing, smart and creative. She is also very determined, stubborn, emotional and wilful. I am ... most of the time... able to channel the onset of her many tantrums but there are times (OK frequently - I'm being honest) when I am unable to do this. She will have tantrums … Continue reading Bad Mother?
This week is a challenging one for me. It is a constant reminder of the fragility of life as we know it. I am often amazed at how closely intertwined and mirrored our lives are with those we hold close to our hearts. April 27th is the day that both my daughters were born - … Continue reading Death and Life
Last night the women in white coats arrived at my doorstep, armed with straight jacket, electric prod and an order to section... Well... that's how it felt! My doctor decided to refer me to the crisis team in my area as a result of suicidal thoughts and behaviours that I had been demonstrating. Doc only … Continue reading The Women in White Coats
I have a membership to my local gym which I have been using 3-4 times a week in the last few months of my depression. I love the escape and reward myself with a steam at the end. I use the steam room like a spa in fact, giving myself a facial and body-scrub. The … Continue reading Endorphins and Motivation